Samantha

 i hate late night tv.

 Lately things are seeming to be getting better.  My boy situaiton is sort of dying down.  CHris has moved on, me and Mike are distanced.  And Cody and Kaitlan are having fights.  Nellie said she will talk to Cody about everything, which is good.  Because I really think I deserve a second chance.  

But so far this vacation I've done so much.  I was downtown for the whole weekend,  then went to Nellies.  It was really good just to have something to do.

I honestly think, I'm losing my mind.  Because I just can't sleep, I'm so so paranoid, and anxious about everything.  And I have no idea how to deal with this. 

I need more sleep.

I promised myself, I promised you.  That I wouldn't let this get the best of me.  Yet every little notch, every little word, gets to me, and brings me so far down.  It's like I'm right back at the beginning again,  and I can't handle it at all.  I have no idea what to say, how to act, what to feel.  I wish that life just came with instructions and you could read everything that you need to know.  It would tell you every important date, and what's going to happen,  so there would be no pain, or suprises.  My life needs change,  but I'm so scared of it.  I can't accept things changing, I don't want them too.  Not at all.  

One day I can be having a fantastic time,  then something will just happen,  and I become so depressed.  I really want to see someone about this.  Yeah friends are great, family is great.  I just want to talk to someone who has no opinions on the people we're dealing with,  and can just tell me flat out whats wrong with me and I can go on with my life after that.  I feel like this isn't complicated at all, that I should be getting over Cody, that I should be happy for him.  And everything nice about it. 

But what is really going to happen,  is so many things get worse before it gets better.  I know that they will eventually break up, and he will be a mess, and as always, I'm going to be there to pick up the pieces.  I want to be there,  I want to prove to him that I love him, that I always have loved him, and that I always will.  And no girl, no person, no force, can take him or that away from me.   I'm proud of myself though, for being strong for now, even though its really really hard to act this way around him,  when shes there at least.

I don't want my whole year, my life, to revolve around this,  I want my Cody back.

So today Mike asked me out, and I thought he was saying "Would you ever concider us going out" so I said "Yeah".  And I guess he asked me to go out with him, not what I thought.  Oh well, I really don't think we will last.  Because there already is so much drama with me and Cody going on.  He thinks I'm going to get into drugs, and get in with bad people.  Which if that's going to happen, I doubt it will, but if it does.  Why is it any of Codys concern.  He's "done" with me, he "doesnt like" me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me.  But yet he is making a huge deal over this.  He is freaking and still obsessed with the fact I smacked him.  OH WELL, I didn't mean to, If I could take back anything, it would be that.  I really would.  And I don't think he sees that I would do that.   I really wish I could have another chance with him.  I'd give anything, my left arm, my foot. Anything, I'd sacrifice my friends, my reputation, and about anything physical or mental.  To have another chance with him. I'd make it work too.

I decided to make a new live journal.  One that not many people except close friends will know.  And one that I'll try to write in as much as possible.  I'm sick of people in the internet reading my old livejournal, and then trying to talk to me over the internet while i don't know them at all.  

Anyways life has been changing alot lately for the better and the worse.  It's nice to be out of a relationship,  but yet I'm missing someone to hold on to, and to tell cute little meanless things to.  I think I'm going to end up going out with Mike for a while.  He seems reasonable.  And yet, I know I still love Cody,  but I can't do anything about that right now.  It takes two people to make a relationship. 

So I've been trying to busy myself, and make myself actually have fun.  And I love it.  This weekend I hung out with so many people. Casandra, Anthony, Nellie, Sam, Brandi, Graham. And like, I've missed hanging out with Graham so so so much.  I'm really happy we're starting to become close again. And all that jazz.

Hey ryan :}